Parents send kids to martial arts class to learn self defense. The hope is that they can protect themselves physically – punch back if needed. Yes, that is an important fallback resource but not enough. Kids and young adults can get into all kinds of avoidable trouble. Furthermore, confidence in a protected sport environment does not translate well to school yard or street situations. What about mental / psychological threats that force youths into doing irreversible damages to themselves?
The following are just some examples of the common mental/psychological threats. Just remember that mental threats may be self-generated but nonetheless can be very real for the recipient.
- Name calling, social shunning, fitting in, etc – human is a social animal and especially during teenager years, their body undergo huge changes. The uncertainty of who they are and what they will become is challenging enough by itself. Teens need guidance to discover themselves as well as the confidence to say “no” to smoking, drugs and other stupid choices. These learning has to happen in early childhood and not while they are struggling. In professional fights, look at how fighters try to intimidate their opponent. They have to remind themselves that they are in the entertainment business and act and not to take it personally. Otherwise, all before game strategies/plans will be wasted.
- Obvious gaps of advantages – having someone twice your size frown at you or having the CEO look behind your back does not make you feel good. Do learn to calmly tell them the issue at stake and be smart enough to walk away when they are abusing their power with your head held high is very important.
- Family pressure – sometimes parents may create unnecessary pressure without even knowing about it. Remarks like “you brother can do this but…”, “look at how great who and who is..”, “You should have done this or that”. While you cannot change everyone around you because habits were formed many years ago, do understand their problems. You do have the choice not to perpetuate that to people you love and care about.
- Over-sensitivity – besides your knuckles, forearms, shins that you have to desensitize, you have to toughen up your ‘skin/ego’. For example, if you flip every time someone disagrees with you, chances are that you are suffering from a serious case of self-doubt or over-inflated ego.
Controlling emotions is like a pressure cooker. It may work sometimes but when it fails, it fail big. Do recognize your emotions and channel it to something that can be used productively. For example, if you feel fear before a serious conflict, you should recognize it and ask yourself if it is worth it. Once you have decided, commit to it and adapt if necessary. If you get into a fight half-halfheartedly, it will not end pretty.
Parents sometimes tell their children “You shouldn’t have listened to your friends” or “I told you so many times not to do something”. Kids feel they are being judged without the parent recognizing the emotion they are going through or at least didn’t even bother to try to understand their point of view. That is certainly not the best way to establish a trusting 2-way dialogue. It sometimes causes kids to clam up / lie to their parents just to avoid the hassle.
Maintaining a healthy communication channel is the only way to protect your child. This is not something that happens overnight. You have to develop their confidence in you – that you won’t blow your lid off and can offer them choices and support.
Exercise
For each bullet point above, share your own experience with it (in whatever role). How was it handled back then and can you think of a better way now?